Summertime, summertime

August is winding down and as I look back to see what we did with our days that went way too fast, I see a lot of growth. We started May with another trip to Omaha for our yearly clinic. The best news was that Willow's bone density increased by a lot. In the OI world, I am told that this is normal following a year on biophosphates and good nutrition. I am also told that this does not mean she will not break; she still has bad bone composition even though there is more of it. But I rejoice in knowing she has these numbers in her column. She did have a break prior to this and another break a week later. These brought me up short and I had a struggle to realize that her many victories do not cancel genetics and there is still a lifetime of needs ahead.
    Summer also brought Willow's first wedding; the marriage of a cousin. Her goal for the proceeding  months had been to dance at the wedding and dance she did. As I stood both watching and dancing with her I wanted to yell to all those sitting conversing, "Do you see this? Do you know what an amazing thing this is?"
 We went from wedding to vacation and there were more firsts. She rode a bike with training wheels for the first time and played 9 holes of putt putt golf standing/walking. This year she wasn't terrified of the open water of Lake Michigan and went in with gusto.
 July was a blur of swimming including doing 2 workouts with the YMCA swim team in which she swam the 25 meter length. Unfortunately this ended with an ear infection. In the past few weeks, she has learned how to shoot an arrow, kick a ball and jump in the pool. She is always appreciative and proud of herself but never satisfied with what she has done. She wants to do more and more. Today she told me we should go back to PT so she could learn how to skip.
 There are some sad days as well. A few days ago she asked when she is grown will she still need a wheelchair? I felt bad as I realized I had asked her to sit in it. She likes to walk around the kitchen as we are making dinner and I fear she Will get knocked over. I sometimes find myself saying "please sit and rest" or "stop walking for a while." I never want to limit her but at times I think we are both just winging it praying to God he gives her whatever she needs to know as far as limits.

A year in the making.

April 30th marked our 1 year home with Willow. I put together a video and we celebrated with ice cream but there is so much that pictures can't show.
 They don't show her bravery at times when she is unsure and asks me, "Mom, should I?" This as she sits at the top of a slide or stands on the edge of a pool.
There have been those times where I have to tell her she will be having surgery and she says "scary" and there passes that look in her eye where I know she is remembering China surgery. She will often then tell me something of her past and it is never good. But she doesn't complain because she doesn't know she should have expected better from the adults around her. I am the one who rants inside.
  Today we are in Omaha at a 2 day clinic for O.I. involving x-rays, bone scans, meeting with her surgeon and a OI specialist and finally getting her IV infusion of a med that helps her bones hold onto bone cells it wants to get rid of. I notice she is more leery of the needle and I think this is a good sign. I think it means that normal for her is not pain anymore. She still has the pain of broken bones (she has one now that I suspected but wasn't sure of) but adults hurting her is not expected anymore.

She has learned so much that it is a temptation to think she is ok. But she lived in an orphanage for 5+ years and much of that time in a medical setting (I.e. in bed).  Her mind is sharp and she is a quick learner but she still struggles with many things. She knows words but still struggles with their meaning and has to ask over and over again what it means. Her newest word is consequence.
  Her mind races so fast that she often stutters and we have to slow her down.
  She always struggles with self control reaching out to grab or push a button without thinking. I know she tries hard but when she is under stress (medical appts) She often reverts to this behavior.
   She is so good at picking up on others emotions. When I am struggling to try and do everything life requires, she'll ask me "Did we hug today?" Then I get a big hug and realize what a great heart she has.

Eight Months Home

     We are now at almost 3/4th of a year with Willow as our daughter.  She has had a summer with vacation, autumn with school and thanksgiving and now the beginnings of winter and her 1st Christmas.  There have been many moments of growth but this month we have seen some huge leaps in Willow's physical abilities.  She has been out of her arm splint for 3 weeks and this has allowed her to use her legs and arms to balance and walk and lift herself.
      She can now stand at the sink to wash her hands; what a moment that was as I realized this had been a distant thought only a few months ago.   She is quick to get on and off chairs by herself and I sometimes find her in places unexpected as she doesn't like to wait for me if she can do it herself. Yesterday, I went outside to do a few chores leaving her inside with my other kids and when I got back in, she told me she had come down stairs by herself, gotten herself to bathroom including washing and into the living room.
        Last week at the YMCA while in the shower (where she usually sits until I turn off water and carry her out) I heard her turn off water and found her standing. She had gotten herself off the stool/table onto wet tile. Eek!  We are thrilled she is becoming independent yet not always sure how to keep her safe.
                 I sometimes find her standing cheering herself on! 
   
      Christmas was a wonderful time with her. We celebrate advent and so had lots of opportunities to talk about the old testament and how and why Jesus was born. She loved shopping for gifts for her siblings and did remarkably well at keeping secrets. She loved the tree and all the traditions, each day asking if there were more decorations or what she could bake. It is always fun picking out that one special gift for each child and for Willow, Dan found a bike. It is really a pedal go cart; sitting low with a wide seat. She is learning how to pedal and finds it easier to go backward rather than forward.
     There are days when she is very active and then those others when she wants me to carry her everywhere and says she doesn't feel like standing. She still thinks all things are possible and I believe right along with her. Only God knows how far she will go.

Six Months a daughter

October 18th! This date six months ago was April 18th: the day we met Willow, the day we called her daughter, the day she called us mama and baba.  So much happens in 6 months. Every adoptive family can tell you that six months can be like years to a child who has been institutionalized. So here are some highlights in no particular order.

• Met her six siblings and niece.
• Learned to love swimming.
• Had surgery on both legs: rods in femurs and Tibias.
• Rode a horse.
• Learned to speak English
• Began school
• Has dribbled a basketball, hit a whiffle ball, played ping pong and played putt putt.
• Has received countless kisses which she said she never got in Shanghai.
• Has WALKED in the pool.
• Has STOOD on her own
• Has been in a 5k race with dad.
• Been in Lake Michigan on vacation.
• Had her nails painted and hair done.
• Played board games, worked puzzles, learned to pretend.
• Has seen the stars, the moon and Venus.
• Learned about God, Jesus and how to pray.

Recently she told me her brother made his Legos talk to each other. I told her that he was using his imagination. She told me, "I don't have an imagination." I told her she soon will. 

Also in the future, she will have surgery in November on her humorous (we will again go to Omaha).

She will celebrate Christmas although she is sure she will meet Jesus then, so she may be a bit disappointed. She will also continue to learn that family is forever even when we get mad, make mistakes or cry. Family is love.

4 months home (the squeakquel)

I've been waiting to write this post until I had a pic of something amazing and I knew it would be soon. Willow's legs have healed and she got the ok yesterday to bear weight. She has twice stood on her own (with me quickly having her sit) so I knew she was ready. Today with her 1st PT appointment, she stood 6 times, did some excersises and worked on pulling herself up to knee stand. Praise God there was no pain. As best as I can guess, she has not been able to stand for four years or more. She was very pleased with herself. May God continue to bring healing and strength to her body.

She really needs to put on weight and muscle. She continues to swim every day and her appetite has improved so she is on her way.
   On other fronts, we began homeschool this week and she is up to the task. We bought her a small table so she can sit on her bed and do school like the boys (brothers have desks in their room.) She has more concentration than I would have thought and likes to write letters and do math but not quite up to reading yet. There have been 2 meltdowns, -1 over not being able to write out Newton's laws of motion lol. Getting on a schedule is good for her but her need to wait while I teach the boys has been overwhelming for her.
  Now the squeakquel. I've written about her having ticks and body jerks which we think is learned. These had almost disappeared following surgery but had reappeared to a lesser degree when we went to Dr. Appointments (stress?) This week she began squeaking. It started, I think, with her being at the top of the stairs and hearing the echo of her voice. It then occurred when she was excited (school, swimming etc.) and it progressed to almost a nonstop squeaking early in the week. About every 20 to 30 seconds she would make a high pitched eek. The boys and I were pulling out our hair.  I tried gum, mints, counting and nothing seemed to work. Thankfully it has lessened over the last few days and she primarily does it when she eats. This also drives the boys crazy but pay backs are hell. Yesterday at lunch she was licking her bowl clean when I told her again that it wasn't good manners. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, "you English people," as if we had it all wrong.
    She continues to share little bits of her orphanage life with me: some good, some bad, but it always comes back to her telling me she loves me and rubbing my cheek as she says, "you're very nice."

3 Months Home

April 19th was the day Willow became an Osowski and today July 19th she can spell it! She understands that we are all Osowskis. Last night she said, "in China me Huixian; in America Willow. How come?" I asked if she'd like us to call her Huixian or Xian and she said No, me Willow.

Willow's hair is getting longer

Her legs are healing and she is not in constant pain. Most of her pain seems to come from sitting for too long in one position or going outside for too long. We have bathed her 3 times since surgery and she is still very anxious about taking the braces off. (Maybe they kept her in casts for a long time?) I've told her "we'll see" so she doesn't worry about the day. I still need to do my homework on what she can do when they do come off.  Her foot positioning has been better but not as good as I'd like. I called the ortho we plan to use in Cincinnati for additional options for splitting her feet. His response was "some kids do fine and others don't (regarding feet that pronate) and he said we will discuss at our scheduled appt in 3 weeks.  I am not impressed: what happens to the kids who don't do fine? 

     Willow's English is getting better every day. She even made us all laugh the other day. She was talking about shanghai and said "my frien" (friend) to which Evan responded "you have a muffin in Shanghai?" thinking that is what she said and she cracked up and said "not muffin, my frien." 

    She is a very loving child and gives me hundreds of kisses a day almost to the point of annoyance, not because I don't appreciate the love but usually because I am trying to carry her to toilet or out to the car. She is interested in everything but not focused on anything for more than a few minutes. I usually have to put her on the couch where she can't constantly move about and give her a few things to look at or play with and leave. She then seems to allow herself time to concentrate. Every day is something new, something learned, something understood.  To God be the glory.

P.S. today she seemed to have nerve pain in her feet which though we tried many remedies we could not make her comfortable. I told her I would pray and I did. After about 5 minutes, she said God no take her pain away. She began to get upset and said "I not know Jesus."  My heart fell hearing the despair in her voice and me with out the language to tell her. I of course told her in English that she could have Jesus and He was with us but I'm not sure she understood. Praying the peace of Christ to rule in her heart.

2 weeks post op

These last few days (or rather nights) have been very difficult. After the first 8 or 9 days the pain seemed managed and she didn't want the pain meds. I had backed off the narcotics a few days earlier and she was only taking ibuprophen and tylenol. I should have kept on. I learned that during the day, pain is more manageable due to the activity and distractions.  After getting her to sleep, which usually took @ hour, she would wake up just as we were going to bed and then toss and turn fitfully for 2 or more hours. I'm not sure how she was functioning during the day; I was barely making it.
   But worse than little sleep is the feeling like I might not be doing the medical part correctly.  We are still trying to build trust with her and not only allowing pain in her life but at times, needing to cause it erodes this trust. Recently, it has become evident that her feet are pronating to the point where they are not lining up with her knees. She has until the last few days complained of pain in her feet and wouldn't let us near them. We have encouraged her to try and straighten her feet and at times it seemed like she could but last night I felt like we needed some guidance. I contacted some OI moms and was told by one it was ok and by another it needed immediate intervention.  What this meant is that  I would have to intentionally cause pain to my daughter. I called a friend who is in the medical field and we splinted the feet after giving Valium to calm her and reduce pain. In the last few days, I have gotten more sleep but my days are filled with lifting, transferring, toileting, cleaning. It is completely exhausting yet I wouldn't change it. I know God is working here and I pray that my eyes are open enough to witness what He is doing.
    With each adoption, God has shown me a part of his heart. With this one, I knew I would learn about suffering. I remember being with my mom last summer in her last weeks and discussing why she was going through pain: Did God still love her?  Did He still hear her prayers? Suffering will do this to you: it will make you doubt things you know to be true. One of the things I told her was that sometimes a parent needs to have a child go through pain in order to bring healing. It is a mystery but at that time last year I knew I was looking forward to my own life with my future daughter. I didn't know a lot about O.I. but had been told by two people that her legs would need to be rodded to strengthen them. This child that we worked so diligently to make ours would by our own decision go through pain. Of course we could see that she was already in pain and her body was broken. Her suffering would bring her to a better place. Suffering is a part of life - everyone acknowledges this - but what most don't want to see is that it is often a good thing. Not good as in pleasant, but good as in part of a plan to bring us to perfection, to have us live the life we were intended to live.
    God is good all the time; not in spite of our pain but through our pain.