These last few days (or rather nights) have been very difficult. After the first 8 or 9 days the pain seemed managed and she didn't want the pain meds. I had backed off the narcotics a few days earlier and she was only taking ibuprophen and tylenol. I should have kept on. I learned that during the day, pain is more manageable due to the activity and distractions. After getting her to sleep, which usually took @ hour, she would wake up just as we were going to bed and then toss and turn fitfully for 2 or more hours. I'm not sure how she was functioning during the day; I was barely making it.
But worse than little sleep is the feeling like I might not be doing the medical part correctly. We are still trying to build trust with her and not only allowing pain in her life but at times, needing to cause it erodes this trust. Recently, it has become evident that her feet are pronating to the point where they are not lining up with her knees. She has until the last few days complained of pain in her feet and wouldn't let us near them. We have encouraged her to try and straighten her feet and at times it seemed like she could but last night I felt like we needed some guidance. I contacted some OI moms and was told by one it was ok and by another it needed immediate intervention. What this meant is that I would have to intentionally cause pain to my daughter. I called a friend who is in the medical field and we splinted the feet after giving Valium to calm her and reduce pain. In the last few days, I have gotten more sleep but my days are filled with lifting, transferring, toileting, cleaning. It is completely exhausting yet I wouldn't change it. I know God is working here and I pray that my eyes are open enough to witness what He is doing.
With each adoption, God has shown me a part of his heart. With this one, I knew I would learn about suffering. I remember being with my mom last summer in her last weeks and discussing why she was going through pain: Did God still love her? Did He still hear her prayers? Suffering will do this to you: it will make you doubt things you know to be true. One of the things I told her was that sometimes a parent needs to have a child go through pain in order to bring healing. It is a mystery but at that time last year I knew I was looking forward to my own life with my future daughter. I didn't know a lot about O.I. but had been told by two people that her legs would need to be rodded to strengthen them. This child that we worked so diligently to make ours would by our own decision go through pain. Of course we could see that she was already in pain and her body was broken. Her suffering would bring her to a better place. Suffering is a part of life - everyone acknowledges this - but what most don't want to see is that it is often a good thing. Not good as in pleasant, but good as in part of a plan to bring us to perfection, to have us live the life we were intended to live.
God is good all the time; not in spite of our pain but through our pain.
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