Eight Months Home

     We are now at almost 3/4th of a year with Willow as our daughter.  She has had a summer with vacation, autumn with school and thanksgiving and now the beginnings of winter and her 1st Christmas.  There have been many moments of growth but this month we have seen some huge leaps in Willow's physical abilities.  She has been out of her arm splint for 3 weeks and this has allowed her to use her legs and arms to balance and walk and lift herself.
      She can now stand at the sink to wash her hands; what a moment that was as I realized this had been a distant thought only a few months ago.   She is quick to get on and off chairs by herself and I sometimes find her in places unexpected as she doesn't like to wait for me if she can do it herself. Yesterday, I went outside to do a few chores leaving her inside with my other kids and when I got back in, she told me she had come down stairs by herself, gotten herself to bathroom including washing and into the living room.
        Last week at the YMCA while in the shower (where she usually sits until I turn off water and carry her out) I heard her turn off water and found her standing. She had gotten herself off the stool/table onto wet tile. Eek!  We are thrilled she is becoming independent yet not always sure how to keep her safe.
                 I sometimes find her standing cheering herself on! 
   
      Christmas was a wonderful time with her. We celebrate advent and so had lots of opportunities to talk about the old testament and how and why Jesus was born. She loved shopping for gifts for her siblings and did remarkably well at keeping secrets. She loved the tree and all the traditions, each day asking if there were more decorations or what she could bake. It is always fun picking out that one special gift for each child and for Willow, Dan found a bike. It is really a pedal go cart; sitting low with a wide seat. She is learning how to pedal and finds it easier to go backward rather than forward.
     There are days when she is very active and then those others when she wants me to carry her everywhere and says she doesn't feel like standing. She still thinks all things are possible and I believe right along with her. Only God knows how far she will go.

Six Months a daughter

October 18th! This date six months ago was April 18th: the day we met Willow, the day we called her daughter, the day she called us mama and baba.  So much happens in 6 months. Every adoptive family can tell you that six months can be like years to a child who has been institutionalized. So here are some highlights in no particular order.

• Met her six siblings and niece.
• Learned to love swimming.
• Had surgery on both legs: rods in femurs and Tibias.
• Rode a horse.
• Learned to speak English
• Began school
• Has dribbled a basketball, hit a whiffle ball, played ping pong and played putt putt.
• Has received countless kisses which she said she never got in Shanghai.
• Has WALKED in the pool.
• Has STOOD on her own
• Has been in a 5k race with dad.
• Been in Lake Michigan on vacation.
• Had her nails painted and hair done.
• Played board games, worked puzzles, learned to pretend.
• Has seen the stars, the moon and Venus.
• Learned about God, Jesus and how to pray.

Recently she told me her brother made his Legos talk to each other. I told her that he was using his imagination. She told me, "I don't have an imagination." I told her she soon will. 

Also in the future, she will have surgery in November on her humorous (we will again go to Omaha).

She will celebrate Christmas although she is sure she will meet Jesus then, so she may be a bit disappointed. She will also continue to learn that family is forever even when we get mad, make mistakes or cry. Family is love.

4 months home (the squeakquel)

I've been waiting to write this post until I had a pic of something amazing and I knew it would be soon. Willow's legs have healed and she got the ok yesterday to bear weight. She has twice stood on her own (with me quickly having her sit) so I knew she was ready. Today with her 1st PT appointment, she stood 6 times, did some excersises and worked on pulling herself up to knee stand. Praise God there was no pain. As best as I can guess, she has not been able to stand for four years or more. She was very pleased with herself. May God continue to bring healing and strength to her body.

She really needs to put on weight and muscle. She continues to swim every day and her appetite has improved so she is on her way.
   On other fronts, we began homeschool this week and she is up to the task. We bought her a small table so she can sit on her bed and do school like the boys (brothers have desks in their room.) She has more concentration than I would have thought and likes to write letters and do math but not quite up to reading yet. There have been 2 meltdowns, -1 over not being able to write out Newton's laws of motion lol. Getting on a schedule is good for her but her need to wait while I teach the boys has been overwhelming for her.
  Now the squeakquel. I've written about her having ticks and body jerks which we think is learned. These had almost disappeared following surgery but had reappeared to a lesser degree when we went to Dr. Appointments (stress?) This week she began squeaking. It started, I think, with her being at the top of the stairs and hearing the echo of her voice. It then occurred when she was excited (school, swimming etc.) and it progressed to almost a nonstop squeaking early in the week. About every 20 to 30 seconds she would make a high pitched eek. The boys and I were pulling out our hair.  I tried gum, mints, counting and nothing seemed to work. Thankfully it has lessened over the last few days and she primarily does it when she eats. This also drives the boys crazy but pay backs are hell. Yesterday at lunch she was licking her bowl clean when I told her again that it wasn't good manners. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, "you English people," as if we had it all wrong.
    She continues to share little bits of her orphanage life with me: some good, some bad, but it always comes back to her telling me she loves me and rubbing my cheek as she says, "you're very nice."

3 Months Home

April 19th was the day Willow became an Osowski and today July 19th she can spell it! She understands that we are all Osowskis. Last night she said, "in China me Huixian; in America Willow. How come?" I asked if she'd like us to call her Huixian or Xian and she said No, me Willow.

Willow's hair is getting longer

Her legs are healing and she is not in constant pain. Most of her pain seems to come from sitting for too long in one position or going outside for too long. We have bathed her 3 times since surgery and she is still very anxious about taking the braces off. (Maybe they kept her in casts for a long time?) I've told her "we'll see" so she doesn't worry about the day. I still need to do my homework on what she can do when they do come off.  Her foot positioning has been better but not as good as I'd like. I called the ortho we plan to use in Cincinnati for additional options for splitting her feet. His response was "some kids do fine and others don't (regarding feet that pronate) and he said we will discuss at our scheduled appt in 3 weeks.  I am not impressed: what happens to the kids who don't do fine? 

     Willow's English is getting better every day. She even made us all laugh the other day. She was talking about shanghai and said "my frien" (friend) to which Evan responded "you have a muffin in Shanghai?" thinking that is what she said and she cracked up and said "not muffin, my frien." 

    She is a very loving child and gives me hundreds of kisses a day almost to the point of annoyance, not because I don't appreciate the love but usually because I am trying to carry her to toilet or out to the car. She is interested in everything but not focused on anything for more than a few minutes. I usually have to put her on the couch where she can't constantly move about and give her a few things to look at or play with and leave. She then seems to allow herself time to concentrate. Every day is something new, something learned, something understood.  To God be the glory.

P.S. today she seemed to have nerve pain in her feet which though we tried many remedies we could not make her comfortable. I told her I would pray and I did. After about 5 minutes, she said God no take her pain away. She began to get upset and said "I not know Jesus."  My heart fell hearing the despair in her voice and me with out the language to tell her. I of course told her in English that she could have Jesus and He was with us but I'm not sure she understood. Praying the peace of Christ to rule in her heart.

2 weeks post op

These last few days (or rather nights) have been very difficult. After the first 8 or 9 days the pain seemed managed and she didn't want the pain meds. I had backed off the narcotics a few days earlier and she was only taking ibuprophen and tylenol. I should have kept on. I learned that during the day, pain is more manageable due to the activity and distractions.  After getting her to sleep, which usually took @ hour, she would wake up just as we were going to bed and then toss and turn fitfully for 2 or more hours. I'm not sure how she was functioning during the day; I was barely making it.
   But worse than little sleep is the feeling like I might not be doing the medical part correctly.  We are still trying to build trust with her and not only allowing pain in her life but at times, needing to cause it erodes this trust. Recently, it has become evident that her feet are pronating to the point where they are not lining up with her knees. She has until the last few days complained of pain in her feet and wouldn't let us near them. We have encouraged her to try and straighten her feet and at times it seemed like she could but last night I felt like we needed some guidance. I contacted some OI moms and was told by one it was ok and by another it needed immediate intervention.  What this meant is that  I would have to intentionally cause pain to my daughter. I called a friend who is in the medical field and we splinted the feet after giving Valium to calm her and reduce pain. In the last few days, I have gotten more sleep but my days are filled with lifting, transferring, toileting, cleaning. It is completely exhausting yet I wouldn't change it. I know God is working here and I pray that my eyes are open enough to witness what He is doing.
    With each adoption, God has shown me a part of his heart. With this one, I knew I would learn about suffering. I remember being with my mom last summer in her last weeks and discussing why she was going through pain: Did God still love her?  Did He still hear her prayers? Suffering will do this to you: it will make you doubt things you know to be true. One of the things I told her was that sometimes a parent needs to have a child go through pain in order to bring healing. It is a mystery but at that time last year I knew I was looking forward to my own life with my future daughter. I didn't know a lot about O.I. but had been told by two people that her legs would need to be rodded to strengthen them. This child that we worked so diligently to make ours would by our own decision go through pain. Of course we could see that she was already in pain and her body was broken. Her suffering would bring her to a better place. Suffering is a part of life - everyone acknowledges this - but what most don't want to see is that it is often a good thing. Not good as in pleasant, but good as in part of a plan to bring us to perfection, to have us live the life we were intended to live.
    God is good all the time; not in spite of our pain but through our pain.

Bandages are off

I'm not sure who was more nervous about taking off Willow's bandages: her or me. One moment she seemed ready but the closer we got to bath time the more hesitant she became. We had gone out (our 1st since arriving home 6 days ago) and arrived home much later than intended due to a traffic jam. I didn't want to wait another day because I knew it was looming over her. With the advice of other OI moms I put her in tub with the brace and took it off there before adding water. She is very careful of her left shin which seemed to have the most padding, but with six incision sites on each leg, we had other choices.
   This girl continues to amaze me with her courage, resilience and humor. She was trying so hard to stay cheerful while doing something she was fearful of. I told her we would go slow and could stay in tub as long as we needed to. We played, used shaving cream and listened to Disney tunes (thank you Marissa) while bravely peeling back one bandage after another. She wanted to save the lower leg for tomorrow but I told her they would be wet and stinky. Finally after more than an hour, the last bloody bandage was removed and the water let out. She was dried off, brace put back on and she said, "no tung." meaning no pain. It may seem like a small thing but for a child who may not ever have had anyone constant to rely on, it was important that she knew without a doubt that I would never intentionally cause her pain.

The medical side

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not a medical person. While I don't faint at the site of blood, I have fainted (only once) seeing my child in pain. I came close with Willow in her surgical recovery. She was waking up and vomiting when the nurses told me her bed was broke and they'd have to move her. The thought of her being moved after having 4 major bones cut made me light-headed.
This is a new road I am walking. There is so much I don't know: such as how we will lift her with this big brace? How will we clean her for the next 4 weeks? What will she need when the lag braces come off? I am just feeling my way through this. I don't think she knows this. She trusts me to do the best thing. I know this because she will say "mommy carry; no avery carry or mommy push; no boys push, they no gentle."
   I had thought shed be coming home with 1 leg splint and she would have some mobility but with the double leg brace she is more dependant on me. Whereas she had some independence with toileting before she is now in diapers. I think we could manage the toilet with a few adjustments but she is fearful of the toilet causing pain so we will use diapers a little while longer.
  I am very thankful that She has not been in pain for the most part. She came home with meds but no plan for reducing so I am trying to figure out (with limited English) what she needs to be comfortable but not overusing any med. After talking with other OI moms I ditched the valium and began cutting back on the hydrocodone. Her only complaint is the bottom of her left foot. This seems preposterous considering she had 4 major bones cut and spliced; however a doctor who stated she has learned much from kids with OI stated she has observed that they have learned to ignore bone pain and are more sensitive to skin pain. Maybe the brains way of coping.
  In other news, she prayed for the 1st time tonight (I think I heard God smile) and she gave me my second real " I love you" not the love ya phrase we usually hear her repeat. This was coupled with a long hug and her telling me "you're nice."  I put that treasure in my memory bank for later.

Recooperating

As most of you know Willow was discharged from Omaha's children's hospital on Friday; however, it wasn't as smooth as I'd hoped. Her hemoglobin was pretty low that morning so a transfusion was ordered.  She ate a little but just had not gotten her appetite back. I had brought her wheelchair and car seat up to the room to measure whether or not she would fit with the brace. The width of her brace with waist support was 16": too big for both. We had been told that PT would help us find something that would work for us but PT said they had nothing that big and we'd have to just look around ourselves. All you moms who have ever spent time with a sick child in a hospital know how little time you are able to sleep. I really had felt pretty good but I think the enormity of the task ahead of me (getting this child in fragile condition in the car and tolerating a 12 hour car ride) must have been weighing on me. When the case manager came in at my request I got emotional (I hate that.) I had told PT if she could find something, fine. If not, we'd use the car's seat. This wasn't optimal for a fragile child but we were going to get home. I had hoped to discharge by 3pm but PT thought they found a seat (too small) and then ended up finding a New one made for children with body casts. First we had to try her in it (she wasn't happy with me) then we took it to car. The seat Sat up @ 8 inches which required buying 4 pillows to prop her legs up. We finally got her in the car at 5 drove the half mile to hotel.
  After getting meds I thought we were good and then she had a bowel movement which was loose. How to clean a child's bottom when she can't move legs and can only lift her bum a half inch? It was messy and neither of us were at our best but we got it changed.  I really could have used a good night sleep but I suddenly realized I would have to wake up every 2 hours to give her meds.
  We left Omaha at 8:15am and made it 3.5 hrs before we ditched the car seat. It caused her pain and restricted any movement in her upper body. Once we switched to a regular seat with pillows she actually slept. 12 hours later and we were home! It was actually done. Thanks be to God Almighty.

Day 2 post surgery.

Bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all his benefits. Psalm 103:2

Willow slept better last night. Her fever is gone this morning but she is nautious from meds and not eating much. With all her itching last night she pulled out epidural and disconnected IV. The epi. was due to come out anyway so not a big deal. With the epidural gone the catheter came out too. She has had more anxiety today and doesn't want anyone near her legs.  I love her day nurses and the pain management team here. They go very slow with her.
  She has gone shai bien (pee) 2x . She has looked at her legs, touched them and moved them around for comfort by lifting with hands and has even let me help a small amount. She has not yet told me what she thinks of the outcome; I wish I could read her mind. She wanted to know what the bandages were and of course when we we're going home. I mentioned that we would get her in a

chair and she became very anxious. The doctors think she's doing very well and anyone who has seen her Xrays from before are amazed. I am so thankful that we were led to this surgeon and the amazing group of OI parents who have shared information and prayed for us. It really is an incredible community of people.
     Update: PT came in and willow was ok with me transferring her to couch while bed was changed.  We have managed a few diaper changes with me lifting her bottom. Her pain seems to be managed except for an afternoon headache. She still needs to eat but I'm sure her appetite will return soon. Thanks for all the prayers.
  To God be the glory, great things he has done.

Road to recovery

After a short night of sleep (4 hours) Willow got her appetite back. Popsicles, fig bar, 1/2 muffin and chocolate milk. Her pain has been managed well. She will keep her epidural in till tomorrow. She was fitted for a double brace which caused a little pain. It will be put on later today and she will stay in it for 4 weeks.
   I don't know what I was expecting for a brace but this is much larger than I anticipated. It has a pelvic support and metal down the sides. The gentleman who fitted her gave me small screwdrivers so that gives you an idea. She is bionic girl.
   She has run a fever today up to 101.3 but it has dropped down to 100 as of 4pm. She is not eating great but is sustaining on chocolate milk and snack food. Sarah bought a huge watermelon slice because she loves that and she had 5 bites.
   I feel unprepared for what comes next such as will brace fit in car seat/wheelchair?  but we are taking 1 step at a time.

Surgery

"My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long - though I know not how to relate them all."
Psalm 71:15
    Well the day is finally here. Willow's first surgery. The goal is not to have her walk although we hope she will one day. And the goal is not to straighten her legs, we love her with all the bends. The goal is to keep her large bones from breaking.
 The procedure is called osteotomy and it involves removing parts of her bone so that they will line up and then a rod is inserted to stabilize the bone. The rod is called a Fassier-duval rod. It is the newest telescopic rod which will expand with her bone as she grows. The proceedure is expected to take 5 hours. If it goes well and everyone involved is good, they will also do surgery on left leg. We know this surgeon is the best which gives us enormous peace of mind but I also have a peace that could only come from the Holy Spirit and the prayers of His people. I woke up last night and was not at all anxious. Willow also slept well: sleeping for 9 straight hours and not kicking me once.
    Pre-op was a bit stressful for her. She remembers surgery in China and I'm sure that there was little pain control. Unfortunately we did not have a mandarin translator like we had for clinic even though I requested weeks ago. We did have Marti? a live person on TV. Willow did not respond well to her although she seemed to understand everything she said. (A little language with love is better than a fluent person with technology)
  Our anesthesiologist is an Australian who is very competent and I trust Willow will not wake up in pain.
     Timeline: at hosp for pre-op 8:30am
Taken to surgery @ 11am. Update to let us know they started @12:15. Update that femur was done @1pm. Call at 2pm that right leg was done and They would begin on left leg. This is a complete answer to prayer as we didn't think the left leg would be possible because of the amount of work needing to be done. I am so thankful that God led us to this doctor and all the families that showed us where to go for her care.
 The amount of bone they took out was 2 inches on femur and 1.5 in tibia. However by straightening the bones he is adding @4 inches. I can't wait till she realizes this. She has often sat on the edge of our dining room chairs and stretched her legs trying to touch the floor saying, "almost."
  Surgery done by 5:45. Unfortunately the meds had her vomiting. 7:15 up in room and resting.

On the verge of surgery

Tomorrow we will leave to drive 12 hours to Omaha in preparation for Willow's surgery on Tuesday. This will be her first surgery here in the states. It will include removing bone to straighten her bones in her right leg and inserting rods to strengthen them. This is not her first surgery; she has large scars from a surgery she had in China. With these scars also comes the memory of pain and the uncertainty of what her next week will look like it. She knows we are going and the doctor will be "fixing" her leg but there is not the language to discuss her fears. She says, Big Scared" when we try and discuss. I tell her I will be with her and more importantly Jesus will be with her. I tell her all the people she knows that will be praying for her.

I am expecting God to do great things through this time of suffering. I am expecting more of His will for our lives to be revealed. I trust that all these things will work together for Good. If you are praying for us, thank you! Specific requests include: Safe travel, Peace for Willow, Sarah and I, Good pain control, That the surgery would include all the restoration of bone that God has willed including the 2nd leg if she is doing well. And most importantly, that God would be glorified in all of it and Jesus would be clearly visible through us.

Stay tuned .......

Two Months Ours and Daddy Love

I'd like to tell you a story that took place exactly 2 months ago. We were in China to adopt our 3rd daughter, our 7th child. We had landed in Shanghai and crashed in our hotel 15 hours prior.  As the process goes, we had met our guide at 9:00am and were driven to a governmental office. We had adopted from China once before so we knew there would be a few papers to sign before we would meet our daughter. Dan had left the room with a worker to go pay the donation/ransom and as happens quite frequently with adoptive families, on his way back he was led past the room where she was sitting. He came down the hall and into our conference room just ahead of her and only had time to utter a sentence before we met her.

 He could have said many things: "She's here," She's on her way," or  "I just saw Willow." Instead, with his voice choked with emotion, he said, "She's beautiful!" Beautiful: this girl who had been confined to a bed and a wheelchair, this girl who had a shaved head, this child who had bent limbs beyond what we had prepared for. And he was right; She was so beautiful and so courageous. In her short life-time she had been through  much pain and loss and yet what her Daddy had seen immediately was not her past or even her present but instead he saw her future: His Daughter living under his care. 

 She didn't know it yet but in her daddy she had met someone who would be a friend for life, an advocate for her, her biggest fan.  She might one day walk or she might stay confined to a wheelchair; she might one day go to college or she might struggle her whole life with reading; she might accept the love we offered quickly or she might reject us and keep her heart hidden. What she has yet to learn is that it won't matter to her Daddy. He loves her regardless of anything she does. She is beautiful in the eyes of her daddy and she always will be.

Happy Father's Day to All the Adoptive Daddies.

"Oh how great is the love the Father has lavished upon u,s that we should be called children of God and that is what we are!"  1 John 3:1

Heaven's Echo

Last night driving home I had a moment that I'll call "heaven's echo."  An echo is not an answer to a question. We speak aloud into space and hear what we said coming back to us. For some reason listening to an echo is comforting. It seems to validate something in us; something that says our voice matters or that our spoken word is heard.  As Christians we know God hears our prayers whether they get answered  in the way we want or not but we strain to hear his voice or feel his presence to know we are on the right path. Sometimes he chooses to answer in an Echo. This is where he takes something we know to be true like scripture we have read and reread many times and repeats it back to us in a significant way.

I was driving home from Indianapolis with my 3 youngest. We were very close to home when a song came on the radio. The song, by Lauren Daigle, talks about trusting in God even when he doesn't move mountains, or part waters. Willow loves to sing along with the radio and since she doesn't know much English, she usually fakes it, (but even with that she sounds good). She seems to love female voices that are full of volume so when this song came on and I turned it up to sing, she also sang her non-English version. We were belting out the chorus "I will trust, I will trust in you," when I felt God's presence saying "Remember?"  I have sung this song hundreds of times in the last six months: days leading up to our adoption, periods of time filled with  problems, delays, discouragement and finally the moments in China when my husband and I were precariously standing on God's word as the doubts swirled around us.  What joy to hear my daughter in her own way repeating my prayers back to me. God was letting me know he had heard everything: every single time I had sung this song or prayerfully whispered it clinging to His promise to be with us and bring us through it.

Heaven's Echo... I knew all of the events in the last few months had mattered to God, but it was so nice to hear it coming back to me over the distance!

Together

I wake up each morning now and pray for strength giving all my plans to God. I picture myself falling into his arms. This can't be done if you are holding on to anything, grasping for a hold. No, you need to just fall into Jesus. I know once I get out of bed my day is not mine; right now it belongs to those who need me. As I walk up the stairs each morning to say good morning to Willow I wonder what she is thinking. Is she wondering if I am strong enough to carry her each and every day, down the stairs, to the toilet, to the bed to dress, and then to the table? She is beginning to trust me more. She used to protect her legs by pulling on her own pants; now she asks me to help. When she is on the toilet balancing as I pull up her clothes, sometimes she will spontaneously kiss me. This is not lost on me: it is a sign of trust.

   She spends much of her day screaming my name. Mama look. Mama carry. Mama down. Mama water etc.... It gets old everyday until I remind myself that 5 weeks ago there was no mama to scream to. Maybe she is loud because she went long periods without anyone listening... Maybe she is so excited to do things she can't contain the volume... Maybe she likes having someone answer even if that someone always says, "say please."
  Our days are filled with trying to get her to focus on something long enough to be still for 10 minutes. Even meal times are spent slowing her down instead of stuffing her mouth and saying all done or her newest, "I'm good." Her oldest brothers are the best at this: playing legos. I clean quickly these days as I can only go 5 or 10 minutes before I need to redirect her. I try not to rely on siblings too much because the bonding process is so important yet with all her medical needs doctors need to be called along with insurance etc. By dinner time I am usually exhausted but I think she is too. She is usually ok with getting into pjs by 7:30.
  As I go to sleep I thank God she has not broken a bone and ask him to strengthen her: provide her a miracle. But whether the healing comes sooner or later I know we are both where we are supposed to be:    Together.

New Things to Love

June is usually our month for 4H but this year we are taking a break to focus on our adoption. We are living day by day which we haven't done in a while and discovering the simple things again.  I know that with our new daughter medical needs could arise at any moment. We need to enjoy all the new things she is experiencing, and let me tell you, she is fearless when it comes to new things.

She loves our large dog - abandoned herself, had no qualms about getting on the tire swing and has been begging me to go in the boat for a week. Tonight we finally got in the paddle boat. Lifting her in was not as hard as I had thought it would be and we had so much fun. What a blessing to be a part of so many firsts!

One Month our Daughter

    It was a short month ago in Shanghai, April 19th, when we had our official adoption of Willow Joy Xian. To be truthful, we were a bundle of nerves. We had met our daughter the day before and had spent enough time with her that we were very aware that we were signing papers for a child that we were woefully unprepared for. We had researched and prepared for a child with O.I.; a child that everyone said was sweet, but what we didn't prepare for was a child with severe ticks. We were ready for grief and anxiousness, but not for the animal instincts of spitting, slapping and pinching. Everything in the natural told us to Run, say "No," and get out of there; yet, God had started us on this journey and we knew he was aware of the past, present and future of both this child and Dan and I. As the turmoil and panic swirled around us, I kept telling myself that in a month, things would be much different.  A month goes so fast; a blink of the eye, and problems are changed, opportunities are discovered and you can be over that hill that looked so big when you began.

    Now we are at that month mark and so much has changed. After 2 very stressful weeks in China we were overjoyed to be home with our kids. Our days have changed drastically. I have taken Willow to 2 hospitals: one for an emergency and one for a clinic and treatment. I now wake up @ 6:30am to a child that needs to be carried downstairs, toileted with assistance and wants to dress immediately. I struggle with activities for her because she has limited Playing skills. We struggle with the language but she is learning rapidly and added 2 phrases today: "which one" and "what are you doing?"  She is a ball of energy and still very stubborn but she has learned quickly that mom and dad are boss and that we don't bargain for things.  She has broken a bone and within 48 hours was out of her bandage and wanting to go. She gives hugs, kisses, says "I love you," and now will nod yes when we say it to her as acceptance of the fact.

   Things are not perfect: my back is sore from lifting and I miss my morning devotion time. I really don't have a spare moment unless I want to stay up late. I am struggling to know what I should let her do and what I should curtail. We are living day to day, yet there is a fullness to our days. Willow has a great interest in Jesus: she wants to hear the stories and wants me to sing the song. Tonight I had the wonderful privilege of hearing her little voice sing along with me, " Yes, Jesus Love Me.... yes, Jesus loves me..." There is nothing sweeter than that.  Out of great suffering, comes great blessings. 

And so It Begins....

Well, we knew it would likely happen but still nothing can prepare you for "that moment" when your child cries because of a break in her bone. She was upstairs building with legos when my son came down and said she was crying. I at first thought he meant she was crying because they wouldn't share but after taking only a few steps, I realized her crying meant pain. We brought her down to couch and I quickly tried to remember what I needed to know.  My mind was mostly a blank but I did manage to send my son for his dad and try to immobilize. I pulled out a sling completely forgetting I have ace bandages to wrap. I got an ice bag and began to try to locate phone # of other OI moms for advice. Luckily a fb mom suggested I wrap (duh) and my clear thinking husband suggested we call a neighbor friend who is a chiropractor. He came right over, agreed it was a fracture, and showed me best way to wrap.  I gave her Motrin and she began to feel more comfortable.  I regretted keeping her in her dress after church since there was no way I was going to attempt to remove it and dresses are more difficult for getting her on/off toilet.We made it through the night with another dose of pain meds and today she says it hurts just a little. She has progressed to pulling her arm out of wrap  and not wanting me to fix it. She is using it to assist her other hand when she needs to.

 

 I realized that you can't ever be prepared without the hands on that only experience can give you. This will be our new normal and I hope it won't shake me up quite so much next time. My God is more than sufficient to meet all our needs for now and in the future.

Day 2 clinic

     Thursdays clinic started at 7:45am. We were assigned a room and each discipline came into the room to discuss Willow's care needs. We talked with a social worker, a dietician, a dentist, PT and OT but of course what I was most interested in was what the dr's thought.
    According to her X-rays, Willow has had @ 100 breaks in her short life. She had a very recent break which is not well healed and yet she goes 100mph and complains of no pain. She has had @ 7 infusions of a bio phosphate which helped in making the decision of her having an infusion before we left Omaha. It added 3 more hours to our day but will keep us from having to worry about this for six months. The infusions as I understand them help her bones retain cells while her body makes new ones. (OI is partially a problem of your bones flushing away cells faster than it can replace them.) Her bone density is low but not terrible. The doctor allowed us to do a 1 hour treatment of a newer drug rather than the 2 day infusion which needs to be repeated more frequently. Willow remembered having this done in China and had no issues with the IV, needles, blood: everything I have issues with.
     We talked with the surgeon about options for surgery. Willow was interested in the X-rays and told the doctor through a translator that she had surgery in Shanghai and it was no good. She asked the doctor many questions through the translator. Can you straighten my legs? Will I be able to walk? Will it hurt? He was impressed with her choice of questions and how much she seemed to understand.  She has had a lot of medical in her short life. Oddly, she gets very independent when it comes to hospitals and pushes me away. I hope she can soon trust me to look out for her medical interests. The doctor said she will need extensive surgery and gave us some options for how to proceed. We are discussing and hope to have a plan for later this summer after she has gotten more acclimated to our home. He stressed that she is a happy child and could go through life as she is and still be happy. The goal of surgery is to prevent/reduce breaks in the future. (I know how bad she wants to walk. She told us she used to be able to walk.)
     Our translator was wonderful. She was amazed that we adopted her knowing she had OI and thought it was a wonderful thing. Her and Willow chatted nonstop about the orphanage and her new family which was something Willow needed. We were asked many times why we would adopt a child with a severe handicap; the answer doesn't change. We love her because God first loved us.

 

OI Clinic Day 1

Day 1 started at 6:30am. After breakfast we went to hospital to begin our appointments. Willow started with a dexa scan which measures bone density. She then had multiple X-rays of her body and I am anxious to see results of both of these. After a short break, she has an audio screening: perfect hearing. Last was a pulmonary test and for someone who knows how to scream, she had trouble blowing out the candles.

   I was able to meet other OI families tonight and Willow actually played today with a little girl!  There was a play set in the back of Rainbow House and Willow wanted to go down the slide. I was aprehansive however I am trying to let her set the bar for what she can and can't do. She went down @ 10 times before I was done with the lifting. I am glad she was able to slide and pray that God continues to keep her bones whole and strong.
   Tomorrow will be the big day. Morning appointments with Dr, surgeon, PT and OT. Please pray that there is a plan for her that we can all agree on and will help her reach her full potential.

Omaha

Yesterday (tues) I drove to Omaha NE with Willow and Evan for medical appointments today and tomorrow at their childrens hospital OI clinic. It was a twelve hour drive which included two 30 minute stops. Both kids did great especially with the last couple hours of Iowa farms. I am thankful that I didn't get tired till the end (8pm)
   We are staying at a place called Rainbow House which is a hostel for families of children getting treatment at the children's hospital. It is free and includes basic food and drink. I am very thankful for this blessing. Today we have the first of our medical tests done. They include X-rays of all bones, a scan to determine Willows bone density, an audiologist appt. and a pulmonary exam.

   I am praying that we get all the information we need to make the best decisions of her medical needs and a plan for surgeries. We have come a long way and that may seem crazy but in all my research I discovered that this is the place where the experts are and once we have a plan than we hope to use providers closer to home for the basic care needs with surgery here.

play room at rainbow house

With much trembling

   This post is for those considering adoption but think you aren't able. Maybe you are too old, too tired, have problem children, have way too much going on and don't have a moment for yourself.  Has God given you a heart for adoption? Has he showed you a path to a child who needs a family? You can bet that if God is in it there will be conflict. There will be turmoil. There will be heartache, not enough energy or time. But what are these to knowing that you are serving your Lord and King?       If Jesus stood before you and said, "My son or daughter, I have a mission for you. It will require great sacrifice on your part and even your family will have battles. however, I am sending you to bring a child out of darkness. I want you to loosen the chains that is holding them. They may fight you but they will know love and acceptance because of you. I want you to tell them about me and about my Father God who loves them beyond measure." Would you do it?
  1 Cor. 2:2-3 "For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling."
  Yes the apostle Paul trembled with fear when he was doing what God called him to do and we also will not always be strong and courageous. Sometimes we will be scared beyond belief. This doesn't mean we aren't in Gods will; it may just mean that we are in a battle for a soul.
   Day 3 of our adoption my husband and I felt like we were going to have a nervous breakdown. Our newly adopted daughter not only had the physical scars we knew about but also emotional scars deeper than we had imagined. What got us through? Turning to the promises of God, knowing he had called us to something way over our heads. Don't give up on the vision God has given you. He knows the end result and we have to trust he will bring all things into the perfection He has for them.
   May God bless you on your journey.

Parenting a Child with OI

We are now the parents of a child with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (brittle bones) and I have been surprised, amazed, and relieved to know that her label is unknown to her. That first afternoon when she was placed with us was scary. I didn't let our guide leave our room until I had taken Willow to the bathroom without anything bad happening. Her limbs are very bent and she has scars running down her thighs. She also has a 45 degree bend in both shins. I had seen pics from 6 months earlier and she then had only one bent shin so this was a shock.
  I was surprised at how easily she pulled her pants up and down over her legs. She let me help her with the top but was very protective of her lower limbs.  I tried to pick her up the way I was taught but she wanted me to scoop her up like a baby. I had to trust her to know what was best. I let her lead on how she wanted to move, be lifted, bathed and dressed.
   I knew that I would be lifting and transferring her and that she weighed around 50lbs. After multiple times to bathroom and up and down in chair I began to pray that my back would hold out. I am getting in my share of squats everyday and looking forward to advice on how best to provide for her and me regarding this.
  Though I needed to learn about her needs I also needed her to see me as the mom. She was very resistant to this and tried to manipulate on all fronts. Though I was new in the field of  "mom to a child with a medical need," I was not new to being "Mom." I have had many strong willed children and I knew I couldn't let her medical need dictate our relationship. This meant I couldn't treat her behavior as if she was fragile. When we told her no and she pinched or bit, I had to gently but firmly remove her hand. When I put her on the bed to keep her from getting into something dangerous or destructive (think 2 years old) I couldn't let her know how nervous I was when she'd scoot to the end of the bed as if to jump. I was ready to leap in order to save her but stood my ground until she would recognize the danger herself and back away. Thank God. This was an important battle; if she had won, we would have been held hostage to her special need.
   Since returning home she has amazed me with what she wants to do. She has asked to go to the playground, kayaking and swimming in our pond. She has tried to go down our stairs but luckily realized it was a bit too much. She loves to be outside and who can blame her since she probably never has been. She toilets herself, dresses herself, washes herself and brushes her teeth.
  In our first 48 hours home, she became ill and needed to be hospitalized. This was very scary but I believe it had some positive outcomes. She had to depend on me and I learned how much she's already been through (multiple scars on her hand from IVs). I learned that even though I just met her a few weeks ago, I am still the person who knows her best and has her best interest in mind.
    Her siblings have surprised me by not focusing on her abnormal limbs but rather on forming a relationship. They are learning right along with me on what they can and can't do. Life will be crazy and difficult for a while. It will never be safe or normal again but I know that I will see joy and love and for this I am thankful.

The Beautiful Mess

This post is not a feel good post and I probably won't purposely share except on those sites where other parents have felt called to adopt and know the risks and struggles of choosing to go where others don't and the possibility that there won't be a "happily ever after" this side of heaven. We chose to add another child to our full family, we chose to adopt an older child, we chose to say yes to a child with a severe handicap and we chose to go to the other side of the world. Because of this most people feel we have no reason to complain (it was our decision) and no reason to expect that others will help with anything other than prayers. (Sorry if I offended but that's the way it is) I write this post simply because most adoption posts show the ups without the downs. We all want to encourage adoption and so are careful not to show the cracks. I am an advocate for adoption and have always been careful to keep it positive but now I realize that it isn't right to show potential adoptive parents only the good. We love all our kids but as with all things, there is good and bad and if you are on the journey of adoption, it is harder to parent or take the leap if you feel alone. So this is one mom's account of the journey which was a little way from the ideal.

Both my husband and I felt unprepared before we left due to the special need our daughter has (brittle bones.) We didn't know what condition our daughter would be in when we met her, or if she would need medical care while we were in country. How would we toilet, bathe and transfer her with all the traveling? We took a big breath and got on that airplane.

Once we met our daughter, the stress and our doubts about our ability to parent this child increased. We never doubted our ability to love her; that was a given and immediate, however, once back at the hotel we began to notice that this "sweet girl" as noted on all her paperwork, had more issues than her medical need. She displayed multiple twitches and facial ticks. We reasoned that they could be due to the fact that she was in a room with severely developmentally disabled children and was mirroring what she saw. But they were so frequent that we could not rule out a neurological problem. We looked for signs the 2nd day that they weren't as severe as the previous day but might have been looking too hard. Along with this was the surprise we had that this new daughter had not been taught anything: not discipline, not manners, not self-control. The first week I was peed on, spit on, slapped, pinched and bit. If you've ever seen the movie "Helen Keller" you have an idea of what I mean.

Being "In country" and having a guide does not mean that you have an allie. We tried to share with our guide some of our doubts looking for reassurance, we even contacted our agency's facilitator who asked me if everything was all right? to which I replied that we were nervous. At this point we were on day 2 and in the middle of our adoption process at the governmental office. What could we do but forge ahead? Our guide either didn't understand our questions or was trying to avoid them (what was she to do?) At one point I told her we had to walk outside and couldn't stay in the hotel room. She asked why and I tried to explain about the twitching and the slapping but there was no response or advice. We hoped that when we visited the orphanage the next day we would understand more of where she came from and an explanation of some of her behaviors and this would help us with empathy and maybe an epiphany of some kind.

Our daughter seemed excited to go back to the orphanage even though the day was rainy and dreary. She led the way through the maze of halls and into the elevator. I remember being shocked at how run down the orphanage looked since it was built in 2000 and had been "state of the art." The floor tiles were chipped and there were cracks in the walls. Nothing could have prepared me for the room she led us to, the one she had called home for more than 2 years. There were about 15 children; some laying flat in wheelchairs that reclined, some in pens (sorry, I can't call them play pens) and a couple sitting or standing waiting to be fed. There was a lead nanny who spoke to us while 2 helpers shoveled food into the mouths of these very disabled children. All these children deserve families and were being cared for but all I could think of was Why did you place our daughter here??? I politely asked the question and was told she wouldn't have been safe from breaks if she had been in with more healthy children. My husband and I now understood her facial ticks and mannerisms to be learned behaviors but we both felt sick to our stomachs. There was no smiles or communications of familiarity between our daughter and any of the Ayis; she didn't want to share their lunch, only show us her crib and look for her friend.

We walked down a few more halls to a couple classrooms where some type of activity was being given to some of the more mildly disabled kids were. Her friend, a 15 year old boy came out to have a picture with her. Whether he was shy or uncomfortable I don't know but he only said hello and looked off into the distance as we took thier picture. There was no conversation between them though apparently they had been close enough for him to cry upon her leaving the home. We hope he was as a big brother to her but we will probably never know.

After another day of sightseeing, we were off to the airport to navigate cancelled flights, bus rides and pushy crowds despite our agency saying that we wouldn't have a repeat of our experience of 5 years ago (it was an exact replica except for the fact that this time I was carrying a handicapped child and praying I wouldn't drop her.) Once in a new city we hoped things would look up and we would have the chance to be with other adoptive families who could share our struggle. Our guides were again blasé about anything negative we tried to communicate. We did see other families at our medical appointment and the U.S. consulate with which we communicated our basic and common stories: where we were from, age of child, name of agency and that it was going o.k. But with the exception of one dad who had a crying boy attached to his leg and looked like he had been in a cat fight, the other families seemed to be bonding well.

Each day we saw slight improvements; there was a request for a hug or kiss or she would hold my hand as we wheeled her down the many streets.These would then be followed by a pinch, screach or spit when we told her no to something. We were thankful that medically she was doing well and we didn't have to use the splints or diapers we had brought. We were thankful that she was spunky and didn't let her bent legs stop her from scooting all around the hotel room. These traits would help her with all she was going to have to face in the coming weeks and months. Yet we mourned the loss of cuddles and the inability of her accepting us as authority figures. Even at one point shaking her head no to our "love you."

Now we are home and beginning to settle in. She was very excited to see her siblings whom she had been skyping with for 2 weeks. She took in the new home, dogs and all with a brave can-do attitude. She has still told me no and slapped me and we probably have a long road ahead of us both physically and emotionally. I guess my reason for posting is because our first international adoption was so positive and though we knew this would be different we were not prepared for what we saw as rejection. I expect that a year from now I will have more positives than negatives to share; however, I hope I have the courage to tell prospective parents the whole truth: adoption involves both beauty and sacrifice.

Home Sweet Home

We are back in the states and this visit was much different than our last. Even though we had adopted from the same province 5 years ago, I did not feel prepared before we left and once we met our daughter I felt like I was in way.... over my head.  We love our daughter and nothing will change this but she came to us with a long list of issues we weren't expecting.  Before I share any of that though I want to share some pics. Our 14 days were filled with battles and struggles but also lots of joy, and every little glimpse we had of who this little girl was, kept us going.

Guangzhou

We just finished the last of our paperwork going to the US consulate and swearing in of Willow. Her visa will be issued tomorrow which allows us to bring her into the country. Our guide will deliver to us tomorrow.
  It seems we have been gone forever probably because it is so hard to get her to sit still for more than 30 seconds. However it does get better with each passing day.
  Yesterday we went to the local zoo. She was not impressed with any animal except gibbons. We saw pandas and when we showed her a miniature horse she said she only wanted to ride the cartoon kind.

One week with Willow

After a week things are slowly settling into a rhythm of sorts. This girl has way too much energy and spunk: it will serve her well for things to come.
  Every morning breakfast is a trial. She doesn't like many breakfast foods and her manners are atrocious. Then off on some sightseeing or paper work for 2 hours. We usually have lunch with a guide so that goes better as she seems to care what they think of her.
  Afternoons involve lots of chasing, (yes she can get around the room on her butt very well) her around and saying boo shur (no). Finally We load her up in wheelchair and walk around the city for diversion. This is a trial in Guangzhou where the sidewalks are bumpy tiles. We get tired of all the stares and obstacles and try to find something to eat for dinner.
 Yesterday we bought a dress she wanted and today she wants to dress pretty. We also tried the pool which was very cold but she loved and wanted to visit this morning at 7am.
 We do see growth as she now wants to be held and some affection. She also has Sat and played with us for short periods.
  Thankfully no breaks. Praying for continued strong bones.

One week

We have been in China for one week now and so many emotions. We met Willow on Monday, adopted her on Tuesday, visited orphanage on Wednesday, sightseeing on Thursday, spent day in airport trying to leave Shanghai on Friday and finally medical appointment in Guangzhou on Saturday.
 Willow is doing well physically. She has a strong will and fiesty spirit. She spits on us one minute and hugs us the next. Making progress in all areas.
  Dan and I value your continued prayers.

What a week

A week ago we had just received travel approval and were madly trying to find plane tickets. Since then I have taught at co-op, given out 3 grants through our non profit talked with doctors, driven boys to Toledo, had carpeting installed and watched Sarah go to prom. Life is busy but beautiful. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Here we go.

Sitting in Chicago airport waiting for plane ride to meet our daughter and start the process of love. Hope I can update in China so running a test.

TA, CA and Tickets.

    We had waited for our Travel Approval for 2 weeks, the normal time for most adoptive families and though we knew it could take longer, we were anxious. Dan had taken all his time off the last 2 weeks of April and that is when we planned to go. But with each passing day (there were 3 of them) our plan for leaving on the 15th looked less and less possible. Then on Thursday April 7th came the news we had TA!
     Good news, yet the agency wanted us to travel the last week in April and first week of May. Dan didn't have the time in May so it was travel in a week or wait till June.  We pushed ahead hoping to get our Consulate Appointment that last week which would allow us to Travel on our planned days.  We found out that same night that we were granted a Consulate Appointment on April 26th.  We could make plans to travel the 15th and meet our daughter on the 18th.
    Now, we had to find plane tickets. We did not plan on this being difficult; it hadn't been last go round. But with only 7 days, prices were steep and we spent 3 days searching for flights that were fairly direct in the right dates and didn't cost $3,000. Saturday night, I finally gave up trying to leave from Detroit and looked back at Cincinnati which was what we needed. Sunday morning Dan and I's tickets are bought and all seemed good. Now at almost 11pm at night I am still waiting to see if Willow's ticket purchase has gone through.

Can't wait to see what God has planned.

Preparations

I have made some purchases these past two weeks; time is getting short and we will soon have another child to love and care for. So I have bought a car seat, a small potty chair, a trundle bed and mattress among others. I have ace bandages, splinting supplies, diapers, medications, a waffle cushion and a wheelchair.

For some reason I feel less prepared than the last time we traveled to China in 2011. It may be because the last one happened in June and I am now still in our homeschool year, still teaching co-op, still running a non-profit and planning a senior graduation. I look at the pile of accumulating supplies in a box in my bedroom and I wonder how it will all fit. I look at our family: chaotic and going in many directions and wonder how our new daughter will fit.

God knows how it will all turn out and for that I am thankful.

Birthday Thoughts

    Here I sit staring at the picture of my eight year old daughter that I have never met. It does my heart good to see her smile because I often wonder if she is happy. I stare into her eyes and I think I have a glimpse into her personality; she is smart and kind, she is strong and she has hope. But these may be my wishes for her, because they will make the transition to our family easier.
  
     I look at the cake we sent over and I wonder what she thought as she ate it. Was she told it was from her family? Does that thought overwhelm her?  Somehow I imagine that she loved both the cake and the idea so much that she ate two pieces. (I hope they let her eat as much as she wanted)
   
     I look at the children around her, clearly all developmentally disabled, some severely so, and wonder why she is not around other children with whom she could converse with and learn from since she is not allowed to go to school. But then I remember how much love children with down's syndrome have and I am thankful that she is not being bullied; they will teach her to be kind.
  
      I see the Ayis in the background and wonder why they are not sharing in her special moment. Does she have a special bond with any of them? I sincerely hope so. Maybe the person taking this picture has told her happy birthday and let her know how special she is.    

    Mostly, when I see this picture, I am thankful to our God who watches over her always. He is a loving Father and has cared for her since the day she was born eight years ago. 

  

Happy Birthday Willow!

March 7th is our new daughter's birthday.  This will be the last year she will have to pass this day without a family. We can't wait till we can see her smile, hear her laugh and find out what interests her. May God bless her this year with good health and a knowledge of who He is. 

What's In A Name?

     One of the greatest privileges of a parent is in the naming of a child; it both shows the thoughts of the parent toward the child and what the parent hopes for the child in their life. When your child is naturally born to you, you spend months pouring over names wondering if they will fit this child you haven't met and in some cases you wait for the little gipper to come into the world to get a glimpse of him or her before you bestow a name.....With Adoption it is a bit different.

     Our first Adopted child came to us at the age of 3 with five names (yep). We kept the first two and added our last name. We tried to give him a nickname but he was very tied to his name so he kept it. (Currently, he now at the age of 12, has talked about picking his own Christian name that has meaning for his life.) Our 2nd adopted child was from Asia and had a name picked for him by the orphanage. We kept it for his middle name and picked an English name which had a similar meaning. (Currently, he hates his Chinese name and wants an English middle name.)

     Now we face the task of naming our first adopted daughter who is also from China. She, like her Asian brother when adopted, is seven years old and was given her name by the children's home. After much searching and debate we have picked her name much as we did for our bio kids: it shows our thoughts toward her and what we hope for her life.

                  Please welcome to our family  Willow Joy Xian Osowski

    

      Willow means resiliant and graceful and not easily broken; what we hope for this daughter who suffers from brittle bones. 

Joy; we pray she will know the joy of a relationship with her savior.  

Xian; her current Chinese name which means gentle and elegant.

      Osowski; which means she will be part of a big, crazy family who will love her. 

One of the reasons we picked Willow is that we thought to use Loey as a nickname. This was the nickname that both of our mothers (both Lois) were called by their husbands; a tribute to our love for them and their memories. 

 

We have a new daughter.

As of January 20, 2016 we are officially matched with our new daughter. She is seven, almost eight and has been waiting too long for a family. We have been praying for this little girl for about 2 years not quite knowing what God had in mind; only knowing we couldn't sit on our hands and wait for someone else to "do something."

On  January 11, 2016, her file was completed and officially assigned to our agency. This is a miracle from God; there are so many children and usually someone with her special medical needs would not receive a file. Thankfully, there were many individuals who were advocating for her and praying for her.

She is diagnosed with Osteogenisis Imperfecta (brittle bones) and we are trusting that God will work out his plan for her. Her Chinese name is Huixian (hway sheean) and we are still deciding on her American name. Please be in prayer for her health and for our family as we wade back into unknown waters following God's leading.