Together

I wake up each morning now and pray for strength giving all my plans to God. I picture myself falling into his arms. This can't be done if you are holding on to anything, grasping for a hold. No, you need to just fall into Jesus. I know once I get out of bed my day is not mine; right now it belongs to those who need me. As I walk up the stairs each morning to say good morning to Willow I wonder what she is thinking. Is she wondering if I am strong enough to carry her each and every day, down the stairs, to the toilet, to the bed to dress, and then to the table? She is beginning to trust me more. She used to protect her legs by pulling on her own pants; now she asks me to help. When she is on the toilet balancing as I pull up her clothes, sometimes she will spontaneously kiss me. This is not lost on me: it is a sign of trust.

   She spends much of her day screaming my name. Mama look. Mama carry. Mama down. Mama water etc.... It gets old everyday until I remind myself that 5 weeks ago there was no mama to scream to. Maybe she is loud because she went long periods without anyone listening... Maybe she is so excited to do things she can't contain the volume... Maybe she likes having someone answer even if that someone always says, "say please."
  Our days are filled with trying to get her to focus on something long enough to be still for 10 minutes. Even meal times are spent slowing her down instead of stuffing her mouth and saying all done or her newest, "I'm good." Her oldest brothers are the best at this: playing legos. I clean quickly these days as I can only go 5 or 10 minutes before I need to redirect her. I try not to rely on siblings too much because the bonding process is so important yet with all her medical needs doctors need to be called along with insurance etc. By dinner time I am usually exhausted but I think she is too. She is usually ok with getting into pjs by 7:30.
  As I go to sleep I thank God she has not broken a bone and ask him to strengthen her: provide her a miracle. But whether the healing comes sooner or later I know we are both where we are supposed to be:    Together.